I used to be an angry man – and even though I didn’t show the emotions outwardly, I used to keep a magma chamber full of resentment, anger and pride. When it erupted, it didn’t erupt in a bombastic eruption of broken glasses or scattered targets. No, if somebody managed to get my angry, either I would let it known by giving the person a full ignorance and silent treatment, or I would choose my words carefully and incisively, aiming for the carotid artery to ensure that full pain was experienced. I used to be angry with my father as I expected more of him. That anger had been resolved a long time ago. The anger is gone as well – God has His way to instill His peace and has taught me a lot about patience and forgiveness.
Unfortunately the anger has returned – not to the degree that it was many years ago, but my mudpool of anger is bubbling again – seething. I went to Royal Adelaide Show today with my friends and in mid-afternoon as I took pictures of the rides, a group of local youngsters walked behind me. One of the girls in the group deliberately bumped me as I was taking my photo and that just made me snapped. They were just typical bogans who wanted to pick on other people and pick up fights. Before today, I had never ever retorted back if somebody called me names or deliberately picked up a fight – I would just ignore it or smiled. Not this time – I turned to her and her friends and said, “Watch it, *****”. I had never ever used the word before. She walked back and confronted me and I retreated to avoid any further confrontation. Two of my friends from church witnessed this and straightaway I felt a pang of guilt for losing my temper. I didn’t want to be a stumbling block as it was not like me at all to blow my top off and call people names.
The bubbling anger has been caused by my deep frustration about my wedding plans. So many things have been changed – what was meant to be a joyous period of planning and thinking what would be, had been turned into a circus of family politics, misunderstanding and tradition mumbo jumbo. Dates had to be shifted, venues needed to be change – it’s certainly not an easy task to organise an event when the future bride and groom reside overseas, and that there are two families involved living in two different cities, with different characters and traditions. This has certainly affected my relationship with Yani – as much as I have been harsh with her, I know that she is caught between a rock and a hard place so I can’t really channel my anger towards her. I can’t focus it on anybody else as well because there are different things to consider. Asian weddings are never easy.
At this point in time, singlehood with a loyal canine companion doesn’t sound bad at all, really. It’s certainly much simpler to handle than having to please other people and sacrifice your own wishes and desires. I suppose what’s easy to do is not always the best. :sigh:
I’ve got to soldier on, I guess and push down my anger until it goes out again. I don’t want to return to being an angry man ever again.
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
Proverbs 15:18 (NIV – UK)