Maybe it’s because my biorhythm emotional cycle is down at the bottom; maybe it’s because it’s cold and wet and windy. Maybe it’s because it’s winter. Maybe I’m just lonely. Maybe it’s because I’m broke and even though today is payday, I will only get the money tomorrow. Whatever the reason is, I’m feeling pretty low. I miss my brother. I even walked home from Anzac Highway with tears streaming down my face along Marleston Avenue. Is it just because I try to compensate my being a distant indifferent brother when he was still around?
I wish I were far away – maybe as far away as Norway. Travelling around the Lofoten islands again, and to the rest of Scandinavia – or maybe even to the Maritime Provinces of Canada. Perhaps it’s because I’m feeling envious of my friends who are having their Summer holiday over in Europe or in other parts of the world at the moment. Who did I inherit these antsiness from? My grandfather? Or my distant ancestors?
Dreams are always nicer than the reality, I suppose. I don’t have the dosh to propel me that far, or to sustain a vagabond life. Maybe I just miss my old carefree life, to do as I please and to go anywhere as I want – without any ties or emotional consequences. Perhaps it’s just a byproduct of maturity, when we let go of adolescent notions and dreams and face up to the reality and the ragtags of our mundane life.
I do not like feeling low and gloomy like this – it goes against the faith that I believe in. I have made myself a cup of tea – a white Lady Grey with one and a half teaspoons of sugar. By the time that I drank it, it was already lukewarm. While I enjoyed the tea, it didn’t manage to lift my mood. Maybe I should’t have listened to James Ingram’s love songs in the background. I am now listening to Bap Kennedy – another collection of love songs and lonely ballads.
Like a bull wallowing in the mud, I’m wallowing in my melancholia … until it’s time to sleep. Tomorrow will bring a different page of my life – and a new mood.