I am craving for good news recently after a string of mishaps and disappointments. I know there is a call on my life to rejoice and to be full of thanksgiving in every circumstance. I am certainly thankful to God that I am continuously blessed and that all of my needs are met – but like Elijah who were so emotionally weary after battling so many false prophets and crumbled after receiving a threat from Jezebel – I am crumbling on the inside and felt the wall closing on me. Sometimes rejoicing can feel so exhausting.
Every year, I ask God for a new vision and a new verse from the Bible which I can hold on to. This year is meant to be my Year of Restoration. I usually get an imprint in my heart on what the year is going to be at the beginning of the year. The verse that God gives me for this year is Psalm 51:10-12 “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Thy presence; and take not Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation; and uphold me with Thy free Spirit.” I covered in an earlier blog post how I received this verse as well as my personal vision for 2008.
The restoration that God is doing in my life is very painful – this year is certainly the most difficult year that I have ever encountered. My brother’s death, my job loss, job rejections, my harddisk data and photo loss, – all one come after the other … During church camp in April, the Pastor who ministered during the camp, Ps. Jonathan Pattiasina, had words of wisdom for nearly all of the camp participants, including some for me. Among other things he told me, “For a special person, God has a special moulding. You will understand the real meaning of ‘confusion’. You will learn through the confusion and you will fly higher.” The words have bore fruit. I certainly experienced a lot of confusion in the last couple of months prior to my departure from my previous company. I am also experiencing a lot of confusion now in terms of where I will have my next career and what I should do. I feel that I am continuously beaten left and right – I have received hard slaps and mighty punches.
On the way home from church, after such a long practice for our Christmas Service, I walked alone from the bus stop from Anzac Highway. “Sentuh Hatiku” (Touch My Heart) was playing on my iPod and I lost it – I walked home crying, and lamenting the loss of my photos in my harddisk – among the photos that I lost were the photos taken on my brother’s wake, and the photos taken during my trip. I couldn’t recover them – Disk Warrior and other methods that I tried couldn’t detect my faulty harddrive. The song starts with “Betapa kumencintai segala yang t’lah terjadi.” which can be translated to “How I love everything that has happened.” I am taught to love all the joyous and all of the painful things that have happened in my life. Like the heroes of the Faith that are written in the Bible – Joseph, Job, Paul, and others – they were taught to continue to praise God even in the darkest nights.
I know that I am loved that I am blessed, that the painful period that I am experiencing at the moment, is God’s way to restore me. Like a bunch of clay in the Potter’s hands, He is cracking my mold-covered and soot-filled vessel, breaking it, cleaning and scrubbing it with water, slapping and shaping it into a different vessel that fits His purpose better. I am trusting my life in God’s hand and that at the end of His restoration process, I am a better man who is better-shaped and better-equiped to work and live in His purpose.
I am certainly not in a negative frame of mind – I am just so mentally weary at the moment. It would be nice to hear a good news for a change!