I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for the last fifteen minutes, trying to find the inspirations for me to write. I have finished my lapsang souchong tea that I prepared earlier, that I thought would accompany me as I write my blog entry. It’s hard for me to write something insightful when I am faced with the mundaneness of my daily life at home. At least when you are working, even if what you do is totally boring, there are others to cheer you up or upset you – all of these create stories for you to tell. When you’re on your own, well, there’s really nobody around to add to your story.
Similar to the item that I posted on Tuesday, I still find it hard to focus and to motivate myself in this time of uncertainty. I can understand why people could resort to some drastic measures when they lose their job or when they are faced with hazy times. Negative emotions are certainly keeping watch, waiting for the moment when they can pounce on you. I find enjoyments here and there by having mini projects to keep me occupied – I bought myself two pots of geranium for the front porch to replace the sad-looking spiderworts.
It is important for me to document what I’m feeling though – so I can remind myself in the future how much I’ve been blessed. I am not grumbling nor am I lacking in anything that I need – it’s my patience that is being tested and I certainly feel the training. 🙂 I am also learning to be humble, not just in outward appearance but within my heart also. A lot of people say that I am humble and modest, and perhaps I am, but deep down I know that there is a lot of pride there as well, and that is what being chiselled one bit at a time during this period.
As we are heading towards the closure of this year, I will certainly remember this year for all of the wrong reasons and the right reasons. It has been challenging and painful – however, I can’t deny that there’s an invisible hand guiding and holding me, even in the valley of the shadow of death. It’s the same hand that gently (and sometimes forcefully) pushes me out of the pit of lethargy and self-pity.
In Psalm 23:4 (NKJV), David wrote, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Sometimes I think, why did David write “Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me” and not something lovely and comforting like “Your presence and Your embrace”? Of course, one can interpret the rod and the staff as means of protection, that you feel safe because of them. I see the verse differently … When God pushes you, teaches you or trains you in ‘difficult times’, each strike of His staff to keep you going leaves its mark on you. Those marks will comfort you when you find yourself in lonely or gloomy times in the future. You can see the marks and see that God has never ever left you alone, that you have always emerged from each dark episode stronger, as long as you don’t let go of God’s guiding hand.
With such love, guidance, and providence, how can I grumble?
I remember a song called Why? by a gospel band, 4Him – the chorus says this:
Why do the rainy days have to come
When the storm clouds hide the sun
I wanna know why
When the reasons aren’t clear to me
When it all is a mystery
I want to know why
And though down here
I may not understand
I won’t let go
Of the Unseen Hand
For It holds the reasons why