I was on my way to the city this morning, and as I looked up through the window in my bus towards the blue Spring sky, a haunting tune by Bukkene Bruse was playing on my iPhone. The song transported me back to the grand beauty of Norway – and as I closed my eyes, I was back in the Land of the Fjords, in the crisp mountain air in Hardangervidda. I could almost smell the wood inside the old Norwegian houses and hear the melodic language of the people again.
As I walk through life, I collect bits and pieces of moments and store them in my mind. Some may be hidden underneath recent occurences and can be resurfaced in a flick of a millisecond. There’s a song by Coldplay in their new album Viva La Vida, called ‘42‘ – the first part goes like this:
Those who are dead are not dead
They’re just living in my head
And since I fell for that spell
I am living there as well
In my memory, my brother has not passed away – he exists there through memory snapshots that I have accumulated along the years. I remember when he was young when we used to play or quarrel together, I remember his wedding day as I pushed my Dad’s wheelchair behind him. He’s not dead – he lives in my head.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t remember unpleasant or embarassing moments in my life, but they are all part of me. Each moment helps to build my character – it makes me who I am. I can remember all the happy things in my past, and smile. I can also have a sigh of gratitude and relief, or a chuckle or two when I remember past incidents that seemed so painful when they happened, but are not so bad after all. There are moments that I wish I could remember – every single detail – but I realise that as I get older there are things that have slipped away from my head, that will only resurface when I least expect it. It’s all part of life, I suppose.
I am thankful of the memories – in that mere second when the incident is brought back from its dusty storage in my head, I can be transported back into that particular moment – just because a smell, a sound or an action reminds me. I purchased a bottle of Hugo Boss Number One some weeks ago just because it was on clearance sale at a local chemist – I remember that my dormmate Steven Ameye used to wear it when I was still a uni student. When I wear the cologne, I was back in 1994 – back in my dorm days in Hampstead Centre – and back to the days of my friendship.
I wish I could turn back the clock, but I know that it would be too much to handle, since I already knew what would happen next. I can’t live in the past as I have to move on and experience more of my life. All I can do now, is to close my eyes when God brings back a moment from the storage into my head, and be thankful that I can remember and be transported back to that place in time in the Universe in my head.