I’ve been having quite a mixed-bag weekend – especially after the conversation that I had with one of my company’s Executives on Friday. Initially, the meeting was scheduled for Thursday next week but he wanted it earlier. I felt relieved that I dressed up quite conservatively on Friday, even though it was our casual day. The conversation went well but it was obvious that the position that he was thinking didn’t really match my capabilities nor passion. He wanted somebody to do some financial modelling and deep financial analysis – I can certainly do some of those, but I will come undone if the analysis gets tricky. My background isn’t finance or accounting. So, at the end of the conversation, I got the feeling that he knew what I was capable of and that he wanted to retain me, but unfortunately there was no specific spot that he could put me. I am still quite passionate about customer analytics and using the data wiser to direct campaigns. I am inherently curious about customer profiles and behaviours that can be analysed and studied. He told me that he would speak to other Executives in case they had a spot for me, because he still wanted to retain me at the company.
The conversation left me hanging – before the conversation with him, I was already 99.995% sure about leaving the company. In the whiteboard at the office, I already started my countdown. After the conversation and after knowing that my imminent departure actually caused some rumbling in the senior management circle, I was back at 70% certainty that I wanted to go. Right before the meeting with the Executive, I was already ‘at the top of the slide again’ – 50% sure about wanting to go. Well, after the meeting, unfortunately I’m sliding back again to 60%.
It’s tiring when I’m mentally see-sawing between leaving and staying. I’m not worried about my future because I know that God has me in the palm of His hand. However, the uncertainty is tiring me – it’s hard to keep focus when you have to look to the left and to the right: to continue working as if you would stay at the company vs. to wrap up everything and to focus on looking for external opportunities.
So yeah, that’s my mental state at the moment … somehow though, in my warped sense of humour, I am thankful that I am allowed to go through some confusing and tiring stages in my life. If life goes on too smoothly, I would’ve been bored! 🙂