It’s thirty minutes past midnight and I have just made myself a cup of rooibos tea — the gas heater is on at low, enough just to keep the room warm. I had a shower just a short while ago in the dark – I lit a candle just to give me enough light to see where things were. I like taking candle-lit showers sometimes – they seem so intimate and relaxing but tonight I just wanted something to fit my melancholic mood. The whirr of the exhaust fan and the harsh fluoro light didn’t seem appropriate …
I watched my third movie from the French Film Festival 2008 that’s currently on in Adelaide. A light and fluffy movie called Je crois que je l’aime (Could this be love?). I had a good laugh from time to time, and chose not to think nor logicise too much. When I think about myself laughing and going with the flow, it brought me back to the days when I was a uni student. I’ve always had a cynical streak in me, I think but at that time, my naïvety and trust won over my cynicism. I loved romantic comedies and would go along with the storylines, no matter how silly they were. It reminded me of the days of me going out during the weekends with friends, dancing and having fun. Flash forward fourteen years, you have somebody cynical and too jaded to appreciate simplistic stories about man-meets-woman, man-loves-woman, and man-marries-woman. It has to be realistic and it has to make sense – life has taught me that. When children cease to be children, reality presides over fantasy. Alas.
I really should be heading to bed, I suppose – but I’m still feeling a little down. I don’t know why – this year has been really challenging for me. According to Chinese horoscope, this should be my year. I don’t follow Chinese horoscope but so far my year has definitely been pretty rough – losing my job soon and losing my brother are quite a burden to bear. I’m currently like a spool of thread that’s been tightly wound over the years and seems to unravel quickly into a heap of mess … I know I should stop it, but I can only watch in helplessness.
This state of mind will be over soon, I know – I will just need to find a project to occupy my mind while I’m looking for a new job – an aquarium perhaps, or gardening, or just some home improvement projects. They all seem pointless at the moment … argh, I hate being a melancholic git!