The ebbs and tides of grief

In less than a week, it will be a month after my brother passed away. Even though life appears to go on – the bills to pay, my career to manage, and my church ministry to take care of – from time to time, grief creeps up on me. It is truly true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone …

I rarely contacted my brother, or the rest of the family after I moved to Australia, because at the back of my mind, I knew that they were there, back at home and were living their lives. After my brother’s death, flashbacks of my childhood and the conversations that I had with him during my last visit in January came back to remind me. We didn’t have any deep or profound conversations then – I was only helping him with the Sony Clié PDA that I gave him. He wanted to reinstall the Bible into the PDA because it was wiped out when the battery was flat. He had an old computer at home – he was still using Windows ME, without any internet connection. Can’t help feeling teary a bit about it now – I wish I could’ve helped with his financial situation. I’m still struggling financially as well, but I would’ve given him all of my savings, if I knew it would give him a better life …

I know in my heart of hearts that he’s in a better place, but oh the pain … I can’t stand the pain in my heart – that realisation that my younger brother is no longer around.

I received an email from one of my friend Amapola – she used to be my classmate in highschool and she was also the one who made me look at my faith seriously in 1991. She happened to be a daughter of the pastor of a church – so I ended up attending the church and brought my brother along. After I went to Australia in 1992, my younger brother continued to attend the church and had been active in ministry ever since. In her email, Pola mentioned that she and her husband went home to see my mum and dad to convey their condolences. Mum and dad still cries a lot, apparently. She also mentioned that my brother was actually scheduled to play drum at church tomorrow …

*sigh*

I had a strange dream last night – a dream that was a mishmash of places, incidences and people. In one of the incidences, before I woke up, I was in my old childhood home in Kiaracondong. I was in the area of the house that we used as the dining area – I was as old as I am now in my dream. I saw my brother in the back of the house and I remember crying in my dream as well and telling him that I missed him. He looked good – healthy and cheerful. He was some distance away from me and there were some people between us – I mouthed a question at him whether he was doing okay. Because of the distance, it seemed that he couldn’t get the question and responded something that I couldn’t hear and I could only see his hands moving around. I woke up with teary eyes after that …

God, I miss my brother – please take care of him well, please.


Published by fuzz

I've finally relented to the lures of blogging - and for those who care, well, I'm a self-confessed geek who's a wanderer at heart, who thinks and analyses too much, and who's trying hard to hold on to his 7-year old inner persona.

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