Grief

It’s already 17 minutes past midnight and I still haven’t felt sleepy – I feel so tired emotionally. Very weary.

I was focusing on the slight fever that I had and thinking about my plans for the weekend when I received a phone call from my second sister. Immediately I had a sinking feeling that she might tell me about mum or dad, and didn’t expect her to say my younger brother’s name in between her sobs …

Yes, my younger brother passed away today – the baby in the family. Apparently he fell down while he was painting his house … he had an enlarged heart last year and went to hospital beforehand and I don’t know whether he had a heart attack or if he slipped. He was only 34, leaving his wife and three young kids who were too young to know that their daddy would not return home …

Grief is such a strange thing – I didn’t cry when I heard the news from my sister, but after it sank in, I had a good cry on the sofa and when my older brother and my sisters called me from Indonesia. It’s as if my pain rose up to meet theirs – we could only cry together on the phone. I felt so helpless for being so far away from them – nobody to share the grief and nobody to hug who REALLY understand how I feel. I held myself pretty well afterwards, and when I packed my stuff – but when my Pastor called me and just said things like ‘Our condolences’, I ended up crying again.

I could still remember the fights that we had when we were kids – and how I envied him for being good with his hands, for being a real ‘boy’ who roamed the neighbourhood and climbed the roof of our house to fly his kites. In turn, he also envied me for being the brainy one, for being the one favoured by my Dad for getting good marks at school. He didn’t get to study overseas, I did.

So tomorrow I’d be heading back to Indonesia …


Published by fuzz

I've finally relented to the lures of blogging - and for those who care, well, I'm a self-confessed geek who's a wanderer at heart, who thinks and analyses too much, and who's trying hard to hold on to his 7-year old inner persona.

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1 Comment

  1. My condolences. Please try to be strong for your parents, they say it is worst for parents to lose a child, and from what I have seen in my family, it’s true. Think about the good times you had with your brother, and remember them always.

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