It’s a balmy Sunday afternoon and I am listening to Johnny Hartman’s dreamy voice singing I See Your Face Before Me from the soundtrack of ‘The Bridges of Madison County’. My washing machine is busy making the usual katchunk, katchunk noise as it goes through the washing cycle. It’s the kind of afternoon where the coolness of a glass of ice tea against your sweaty cheek is a much welcome sensation.
The week has been quite an emotional rollercoaster for me – it was my first week at work again after my holiday in Indonesia and Singapore. I thought that there would be greater development after the merger but things were pretty much quiet at work. The folks in my pod joked that it was the lull before the storm – they were right, as nearing the end of the week, we were all invited to a meeting called ‘Restructuring, Redeployment and Redundancy’. I also had my 1:1 with my boss the previous day, and she hinted that my area would be significantly impacted. Whilst I really appreciate her tough management style, it sometimes evokes my insecurity. She mentioned that the ‘analytics’ area in the other bank were a profit contributor whereas my area had not. I personally think that I have contributed much to the Bank as it had not had any customer metrics prior to me joining the Bank – I guess she doesn’t consider being aware or knowing more of the business landscape as my contribution. The chat left me feeling that I should be ready to be plucked out of the department into a “redeployment pool”, which consists of people with transportable skills that no longer fit in the merged department. Even though the people from Human Resources, including my boss, tried to sell up this pool as a pool of elite, talented staff, I can’t help feeling that it’s a group of orphans, waiting for new parents and new families. Maybe I should not feel judgmental about it. 🙂 There is also a choice to put my hand up for voluntary redundancy if I want to – so even though I still don’t know whether I will be a part of the new department or not, I have started to look around for any other jobs here in South Australia. Just to be safe …
The week left me feeling stunned and numb – even though I am at peace, if that really happens, the series of events left me emotionally affected. I am grateful of the break that I took in Indonesia and Singapore, as it provided a chance for me to step back from work and to see thing through a different set of eyes. So, when I returned to work, I did feel much more relaxed and much more positive. The events that happened at the office last week still gave me quite a mighty punch though – like a boxer who had prepared himself for the oncoming jabs, the punch that eventually came, still left me dizzy and staggered, but it didn’t make me fall, if you know what I mean.
Last weekend I also retook my Theory Test to obtain my Learners’ Licence – yeah, I am tackling my fear of driving again, head-on. After numerous practices at home beforehand, I passed the actual test in 30 minutes, so I am now back on the course again to get my Driver’s Licence and get my own car. I also tried to get myself a dog, assisted by my friend Anton, we went to the Animal Welfare because I wanted to adopt a Heeler-Corgi cross called ‘Razoo’ – we were late by about 15 minutes. 🙁 I guess it was not meant to be … We also drove to RSPCA down in Lonsdale, but none of the adoptees caught my heart. I will have to wait longer …
So yeah, it has been a week of up and down … and why the reference to a Camel, you ask?
The sermon at church today was delivered by Ps. Jonathan Fontanarosa and titled ‘Give Up’ — he shared about the need for us to give anything “UP” to God, because He had finished everything when He sacrificed Himself on the cross – “It is finished”. It is not up to us with our good deeds to reach a point of relationship with God, but the relationship with God is the starting line. Ps. Jon also shared the story about total dependence on God – in Luke 18, there are several stories that teach us to be dependent on God. God gives us grace, and we give God our dependence. He mentioned about the rich young man who was so keen to do things his way to reach the kingdom of God, and yet, because his dependence was on his riches, he could not give it up to God. Ps. Jon then reminded us about Jesus’ saying about a camel being easier to go through the eye of a needle, rather than a rich man entering the Kingdom of God … why a camel, he asked. God could’ve said an elephant, a dog, or a rat for that matter. The reason is that a camel is self-sufficient – a camel’s humps contain fat that it draws on in times of drought. It is self-sufficient and it can sustain itself for a period without any help at all … Of course there are other interpretations of this story, but Ps. Jon’s message hit home to me.
I have always tried to be self-sufficient – I don’t ask for help easily, I want to do things my way and I don’t want to burden anybody else. This was also hammered in to me when I grew up – we should not burden anybody else. However, in my quest to be self-sufficient, I also forget sometimes, that it is He who provides. I forgot that even though ‘Jehovah Jireh’ (God is my provider) had been prevalent in my mind lately, I didn’t truly grasp its meaning. So when he said “Stop being a camel” – that message was for me. I still don’t know what will happen to me after the revised structure is announced. I don’t know whether I should try to find another job in earnest, I don’t know when I will get married, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow – all I know is that God is telling me to chill and be dependent on Him, and to stop being a camel. 😀
Isn’t God a great Father? 🙂