A Conversation with Papa

I can imagine a conversation with Dad – something that I know would not happen in real life – Dad was intensely shy and could not hold deeply meaningful conversations when he was around. As mentioned frequently in my blog, the only way that Dad expressed his love to his children was through his hardwork, his attention and his actions. Dad would enquire our ins-and-outs and when we travelled a long distance, he would expect us to call when we arrived safely.

Yesterday a group of us had a discussion here about Dad – and how Dad loved to invite people around for a gathering – to celebrate birthdays and any other festive events. He loved to be surrounded by people – I pointed out that that was also caused by Dad’s sense of insecurity and his longing to be surrounded by people, to be accepted and loved. He grew up fatherless and I would assume that grandma was also a caring but implemented more tough-love principles rather than a lovey-dovey environment, having to take care of four children on her own. Funnily, although I don’t consider myself as a lovey-dovey person, I do love to invite people over for barbeques and just to show my hospitality to friends and acquaintances alike.

Back to the imaginary conversation with Dad, I could imagine something that would go like this:

I: How are you, Pa?

Papa: I’ve never felt any better than this – you just can’t imagine how it was like being bedridden and bound to my wheelchair for years and years!

I: You didn’t say much during those period though?

Papa: How could I? I was disappointed with what happened, I was getting more frustrated with things – I was getting angry. Mmmm, anger is such an alien feeling now, but I could remember feeling very angry. My mind that was active before was very cloudy after that first stroke and grew even dimmer every day … Nevermind, I am feeling great now. I’m well taken care of and it’s true what He said – he went to His Father’s mansion to prepare our rooms – I know you’re not allowed to see them just yet – but you should just see mine! I felt so overwhelmed and humbled. I thought I didn’t deserve to have it – considering …

I: Never mind, Dad – you did make your decision to commit yourself to Jesus and you did believe in Him before you went as well.

Papa: It is so beautiful here – I’ve met a lot of my old friends – who wouldn’t have known that … oops, I nearly mentioned a couple of names … “they” are also believers! I’m just so happy. I have also met Handy and a lot of other people who I missed terribly when I was down there – but I am just so happy now. Strangely I can’t find some folks who I thought would surely be in Heaven, but aren’t …

I: Pa, Mama still misses you a lot – yesterday morning she put her arm to your side, sighed and then she wept silently … she didn’t say much but I understood …

Papa: I know. I wished I were the verbal kind, I wished I had expressed my love to her more openly. You know I loved you all and your mum extremely deeply, don’t you?

I: I do – at first I was disappointed that you didn’t show your love the way that I wanted it, but I do, Pa. We all do. I know you loved Mama very much as well.

Papa: I wish I had said a lot more and been able to control myself more – but I could only do what I knew how …

I: I know, Pa. In time you will meet her again – I suppose she would enjoy her freedom now, eh?

I feebly try to lighten the conversation as I start to shed my tears, wishing that this conversation could occur in real life. I didn’t think that I would miss him deeply but I do. I wish I had a heart-to-heart conversation with Dad – no matter how awkward. I wish I had known his heart through his direct words …

Papa: Yes (smiling – understanding my unspoken words) It’s time that she relaxes a bit and does the things that she always wants to do. I know she misses me – and although I am very happy here, I do think about her. I have to say that I don’t miss her – there are no tears in Heaven, remember? But I do think about her, and count the days – hang on, time doesn’t exist here either – until I meet her again. We may not be husband and wife up here – and she may not recognise me with my new body – and I may not recognise her either! It would be just great to know that she is here – without any tears, no longing, no loneliness, no pain, no anger, no hurt …

I: Mama just remembered that she left your glasses here and that she should’ve put them with you in the coffin …

Papa: Haha – I don’t need them anymore. I’ve got a new set of eyes! A whole new body!

I: How’s Handy, Pa? We still miss him a lot. His children miss him too – although they don’t say it, we all know that they do.

Papa: He’s doing well – I wish I could tell more about how it is here but you know that I can’t. He’s doing well – no more pain, no more tears. Jesus is truly more than enough for us all.

I: Pa, I’m thankful that God has given us the chance in 2008 to forgive one another – I wish I had had the chance to ask for your forgiveness before you went, Pa …

Papa: Don’t worry – I have forgiven you, I have forgiven you all. It was my time to go – I was getting tired. It was just all too much. I wanted to go – I’m thankful of the people who were around me, praying for me, strengthening me, caring for me. I am thankful for every one of you who cared for me in your little own ways – to the ability that you knew how … I love you all.

I: I wished we had more time, Pa …

Papa: Hush now. It was time for me to go; You know that. I can only ask and plead with you one thing – please hold on to God. Please. I want to see you all again some day … although we may not recognise one another when we are given a new body, just to know that you are here with me would just make me even happier – if that is even possible!

I love you all – just remember that. Love one another, take care of Ma but most of all … just cling to God – don’t ever ever let Him go. I love you all.

Published by fuzz

I've finally relented to the lures of blogging - and for those who care, well, I'm a self-confessed geek who's a wanderer at heart, who thinks and analyses too much, and who's trying hard to hold on to his 7-year old inner persona.

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